Sometimes, you see someone and something inside fits, like pieces of a puzzle. It was meant to be, and there they are, and always will be, part of your life. And then there are some, whom you never met before... not in person at least. The kind where it was only the mind that met at first, by some twist of fate, or words that burned within that person which somehow touched your skin and sunk in between the marrow of your bones. Admiration sparked that unleashed emotions you never knew you had. Or at least, never noticed just how well you fit together, or how much you could have shared if only you had met sooner.
And then you realise just how shallow you have been all this while. We judge people based on skin colour, gender, how much money they can make, physical beauty, religion and even perspective, when there could be so much more to a person than just physical characteristics which define them. Then there's the second level of evaluation I suppose is the level of intelligence, wit, sense of humour, depth of perception, things that make a person interesting. She was such a person. Interesting, witty, intelligent, (sexy- intelligent, not the boring kind), very broad minded and she had a way with words the way Tiger Wood has with women. And yes, I was suddenly drawn to her, for some reason. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted to be like her…
I wondered what it would be like, to be free from physical limitations. To be able exist beyond the boundaries of your body. To be a moving thought, like a soul, like water, like the wind; to be able to brush past other souls and grasp the essence of their very being, to be able to see without eyes and connect with someone without judging them firstly by their gender, because they have none, or by their looks because they have none, or by their race or religion because it doesn’t exist and it is irrelevant.
I wanted to linger near her and try to listen to what she has to say. Not those words that she cleverly writes out to the world, but those words which she cannot say, not even to her one and only. I want those words that hide inside her, every little whisper When the Music Fades, every dirty little thought. I want to search deep within her and know her heart, and tell her things I never wanted anyone to know… because I know she’d understand, and that she would never judge. I want her to know that we are merely two beings, that happened to cross paths, and tell her that I don’t care if she is female or male, believer or not, beautiful or not, kind or evil, I would not admire her any less.
I imagined meeting her would be easy. I imagined that if we had so much in common, having first established the union of our minds, surely the physical part would be a breeze. But it wasn’t like that. I was nervous and awkward and I was nowhere near any sort of union I had imagined up. For that reason, I can truly say now that I am beginning to understand what it means to envy someone who is able to look beyond physical limitations and find their soul mate. If I were a man, I would go for a girl like her.
I always meant to write this post. Long before this year began. Years before. And somehow, I never got to it. I didn't feel it enough yet... it wasn't the right time yet... i would tell myself.
This lyrics "23"- by Jimmy Eat World, is one of the best written songs which i know of. Long before i reached 23, I knew when I did, I would write about it, because "amazing still it seems, i'll be 23".
It signified the cut-off point, from childhood to adulthood. The tipping point of grace to judgment. The end of yesterday and the beginning of forever. At least, to me it did.
And maybe I delayed this post because where I drew the line between the year 2009 as the cross over point, is actually up to me. Even if I never drew a line, and did not cross over, is also up to me. July came and went, I was dismayed that I was not ready. Not ready to leave Neverland.
I have less than one month, and I have run out of excuses.
But I felt for sure last night... no one else will have me, only you. Was that our last goodbye? Maybe you should have called. Maybe I should have. It doesn't matter...
I'm here right now, I'm ready. Holding on tight. Don't give away the end. One thing that stays mine.
"23"
I felt for sure last night That once we said goodbye No one else will know these lonely dreams No one else will know that part of me I'm still driving away And I'm sorry every day I won't always love these selfish things I won't always live... Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide I knew this was our time No one else will have me like you do No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? I'm here I'm now I'm ready Holding on tight Don't give away the end The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems I'll be 23 I won't always love what I'll never have I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? I'm here I'm now I'm ready Holding on tight Don't give away the end The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? I'm here I'm now I'm ready Holding on tight Don't give away the end The one thing that stays mine...
It is time. I knew you would not be with me forever. And yet, i never prepared myself for this. The good times we shared, the battles well fought, articles, articulately constructed. I can say finally that in the end, we made it - together. after four long years and a half, you breathed your last. A sizzle, crack and spark. A dead blank screen, Is all you left me with. Goodbye, my dear laptop. It has been a heck of a journey, my friend.
